Joke thread
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Gooner Girl
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Re: Joke thread
I was quite tempted when teaching heavily pregnant with the twins jumping up and down on my bladder and needing to go every 5 minutes
Re: Joke thread
I don't really know why, but this is my favourite of those:thebish wrote:from this site of mobile phone autocorrect disasters...
http://seriouslyforreal.com/funny/the-2 ... irst-year/
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
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Harry Genshaw
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Re: Joke thread
^ 
"Get your feet off the furniture you Oxbridge tw*t. You're not on a feckin punt now you know"
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Bruce Rioja
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Re: Joke thread
So, after 44 years we've finally discovered how the Italian Job ends.
May the bridges I burn light your way
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Andy Waller
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Re: Joke thread
The odds on who is favourite to pick up the Ashes this summer are as follows:
England 2/1
Australia 3/1
Winnie Mandela 5/1
England 2/1
Australia 3/1
Winnie Mandela 5/1
What a hero, What a man...... Ooooh, what a bad foul...
Re: Joke thread
Ooh that's nasty.
The above post is complete bollox/garbage/nonsense, please point this out to me at any and every occasion possible.
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Raven
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Re: Joke thread
No I like that one 
My dog (proper 57) had his anal glands emptied once and yes the smell is something to behold!!
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Annoyed Grunt
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Re: Joke thread
Andy Waller wrote:The odds on who is favourite to pick up the Ashes this summer are as follows:
England 2/1
Australia 3/1
Winnie Mandela 5/1
Re: Joke thread
Why would she be picking them up? He's got a new wife.
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
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bobo the clown
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Re: Joke thread
Winnie doesn't seem to let little details like that get in her way.Prufrock wrote:Why would she be picking them up? He's got a new wife.
Not advocating mass-murder as an entirely positive experience, of course, but it had its moments.
"I understand you are a very good footballer" ... "I try".
"I understand you are a very good footballer" ... "I try".
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Bruce Rioja
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Re: Joke thread
Because Graca Machel wouldn't really have worked in a joke now, would it?!Prufrock wrote:Why would she be picking them up? He's got a new wife.
I do hope you don't get to critique Kinty's material.
May the bridges I burn light your way
Re: Joke thread
Yeah, but Winnie Mandela doesn't work in the joke either!
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
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Bruce Rioja
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Re: Joke thread
Only for you.Prufrock wrote:Yeah, but Winnie Mandela doesn't work in the joke either!
May the bridges I burn light your way
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Lost Leopard Spot
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Re: Joke thread
Let's face it, he's going to be buried, so nobody works in the joke. Not trying to piss on chips, just getting the facts of this here joke straight.
That's not a leopard!
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Re: Joke thread
But Winnie's got the petrol filled tyre all ready for the cremation.....................or was that only used for her 'special' friends??
Uma mesa para um, faz favor. Obrigado.
Re: Joke thread
Oooooof 
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
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Lost Leopard Spot
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Re: Joke thread
Not Very PC Collection:
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.
That's not a leopard!
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Re: Joke thread
Schrodinger is pulled over by the police. They search his car, before saying:
'Sir, there appears to be a dead body in your boot.'
Schrodinger replies, 'Well, there is now!'
'Sir, there appears to be a dead body in your boot.'
Schrodinger replies, 'Well, there is now!'
In a world that has decided
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
That it's going to lose its mind
Be more kind, my friends, try to be more kind.
-
Bruce Rioja
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- Posts: 38742
- Joined: Mon Jan 17, 2005 9:19 pm
- Location: Drifting into the arena of the unwell.
Re: Joke thread
Prufrock wrote:Schrodinger is pulled over by the police. They search his car, before saying:
'Sir, there appears to be a dead body in your boot.'
Schrodinger replies, 'Well, there is now!'
May the bridges I burn light your way
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