Joke thread

[bobo the clown]

Still amusing?

Yes, yer grumpy twonk !!

[Annoyed Grunt]

Still amusing?

Yes, yer grumpy twonk !!

[jaffka]

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" Sex!" Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold to make sure that he was okay. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home. She found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood.

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't?" Old Harold smiled and replied, "Parkinson's."

[Lost Leopard Spot]

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" Sex!" Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold to make sure that he was okay. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home. She found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood.

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't?" Old Harold smiled and replied, "Parkinson's."

[Dujon]

Oh dear, Oh dear. Most chuckleworthy, jaffka. Thanks.

[clapton is god]

An old bushman told his granddaughter if she wanted to live a long and productive life she should sprinkle a bit of gunpowder on her cereal every morning.

She did that religiously till she died, aged 103.

She left 14 children, 25 grandchildren, 42 great grandchildren , 12 great great grandchildren and a thirty foot hole where the crematorium used to be!

[bobo the clown]

Jim had been shipwrecked 7 years ago and, against all expectations was found alive and well on a small island in Polynesia. He came home with a huge glare of publicity. He was on TV, in the papers and had book offers for a memoir of his experiences.

When the immediate fuss died down he was back home and in his local with old friends who knew him well. One friend said “well, go on. What was it really like out there ?”

“To be honest it was OK … once things settled down. I had fresh water, easy fish and shellfish were available. Rabbits were easily caught. There were dry caves for shelter. No dangerous animals. I had books land on shore from the shipwreck and plenty of clothes. I had a radio and batteries. …. It was OK. … the most difficult thing, I guess, was going 5 years without sex.”

His friend was impressed, but a little confused “5 years ? I thought you were there 7 ? Was there a woman landed there with you ?” “Ah … well, errrr … no” he said, looking a tad embarrassed “I’d been there 5 years and was getting a bit desperate when, one morning, I saw a hen ostrich on the beach. Her head was down to the sand and her ass in the air and I thought ‘ … go on, why not ?’ and I took a run at her before she noticed and connected first time !”

“Bloody hell” said his friend “sex with an ostrich. What was that like ?”

Jim looked up and said “ Well … the first 100 metres were fine, but then we got out step with each other !”

[Prufrock]

So here it is again, November the 5th, Bonfire night.



The one night of the year when the whole of the UK comes together with the lighting of bonfires, the letting off of fireworks and the burning of an effigy of Guy Fawkes, in celebration of the last time the British Government found Weapons of Mass Destruction.

[LeverEnd]

Whenever I have had a bad day I like to play Playstation.

I console myself.

[Lost Leopard Spot]

Whenever I have had a bad day I like to play Playstation.

I console myself.

[Wandering Willy]

Whenever I have had a bad day I like to play Babestation.

I console myself.

[thebish]

The inventor of the snooze button has passed away.....

His funeral will take place tomorrow at 8:00, 8:06, 8:11, 8:13, and 8:14....

[Bruce Rioja]

Aldi Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten pounds. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi.

He deposits ten pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Aldi, eager to check the results. He deposits ten pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Aldi.

[thebish]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[davroduk]

TAMPAX have announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel,this is for the Christmas period only.

[thebish]

^

[bobo the clown]

A guy just called at our house. When I opened the door I noted he was only 3' 3" tall.

I asked what he wanted and he said .......





"I'm the meter man".

[davroduk]

A guy just called at our house. When I opened the door I noted he was only 3' 3" tall.

I asked what he wanted and he said .......





"I'm the meter man".

[Hoboh]

Laughed soooo much this is soooo funny!

http://www.theboltonnews.co.uk/news/107 ... ps/?ref=ms" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Prufrock]