What are you reading tonight?

[Prufrock]

Desert island discs book from the BBC. Fascinating to say the least.....................

Fab isn't it?!

[Worthy4England]

If you want to cheer yourself up, have a read through the reviews of Adrian Durham's book on Amazon.

This item has not been released yet and is not eligible to be reviewed. Reviews shown are from other formats of this item.

Could only find 1...Any links Mr Rioja?

Edit: need to do Amazon.co.uk rather than .com....

[LeverEnd]

If you want to cheer yourself up, have a read through the reviews of Adrian Durham's book on Amazon.

This item has not been released yet and is not eligible to be reviewed. Reviews shown are from other formats of this item.

Could only find 1...Any links Mr Rioja?

Edit: need to do Amazon.co.uk rather than .com....

'The person that commissioned the publication of this rubbish should be sacked and, if there was any justice in the world, Durham would lose use of his arms and mouth so he cannot write another word, or convey his thoughts ever again.'

[bobo the clown]

'The person that commissioned the publication of this rubbish should be sacked and, if there was any justice in the world, Durham would lose use of his arms and mouth so he cannot write another word, or convey his thoughts ever again.'

Now THAT is a review !!

[LeverEnd]

'The person that commissioned the publication of this rubbish should be sacked and, if there was any justice in the world, Durham would lose use of his arms and mouth so he cannot write another word, or convey his thoughts ever again.'

Now THAT is a review !!

reviewer has obviously never seen the 'Diving Bell and the Butterfly'. Durham would always find a way to annoy us with his twattish view. I'm waiting for Phil gartside's review to pop up.

[William the White]

Have now - today - finished Jhumpa Lahiri's Booker shortlisted The Lowland.

It is a rock solid page turner, crams in an awful lot of story (covering over sixty years and three continents) and is, i feel, a little overwhelmed by its ambitions. It deals with poverty in India, and affluence in America,. Communist guerrilla movements in northern India and family breakdowns all over the place. It has academics and revolutionary terrorists and a touching central story of a marriage, a childhood and a divorce.

At times all this is seriously under-explored and the novel becomes simply a series of events; at others it is emotionally powerful.

She has a powerful grasp of language, though, a good feel for high intensity prose, unfortunately not matched by her ability to get into the heart of her Indian revolutionaries, which is pretty shallow.

[Il Pirate]

Also Stag's leap by Sharon Olds. Not going overboard on it yet, but very good poetry. I'll make my mind up when I've finished.

Take it slowly, poem by poem. She is the best. She really, really is.

I tried to take your advice Will; but like running for a bus I know I'll never catch, I just had to keep going until the very last .............
Wonderful stuff.

[Il Pirate]

Desert island discs book from the BBC. Fascinating to say the least.....................

Fab isn't it?!

It certainly is Pru. I know a book shouldn't be described as a great 'book for the loo', but if ever one was made for those 5 to ten minutes in the bathroom, this is it.

[clapton is god]

http://www.countarthurstrong.com/arthurs-diaries/

Ordered!

At the risk of incurring the wrath of a certain clown featured resident, I have to say I am enjoying this book a lot. I find myself laughing out loud on almost every page. Its very, very funny. Perhaps its a defect in myself, I dunno, but its just hilarious and I'm giggling like a 10yr old every five minutes.

[William the White]

Also Stag's leap by Sharon Olds. Not going overboard on it yet, but very good poetry. I'll make my mind up when I've finished.

Take it slowly, poem by poem. She is the best. She really, really is.

I tried to take your advice Will; but like running for a bus I know I'll never catch, I just had to keep going until the very last .............
Wonderful stuff.

Damn right! You've inspired me to take it down from the shelf again. She is tremendous. Have you read her heartbreaking collection The Father?

[bobo the clown]

http://www.countarthurstrong.com/arthurs-diaries/

Ordered!

At the risk of incurring the wrath of a certain clown featured resident, I have to say I am enjoying this book a lot. I find myself laughing out loud on almost every page. Its very, very funny. Perhaps its a defect in myself, I dunno, but its just hilarious and I'm giggling like a 10yr old every five minutes.

Not wrath .... I just think it's very, very sad.

[Il Pirate]

Also Stag's leap by Sharon Olds. Not going overboard on it yet, but very good poetry. I'll make my mind up when I've finished.

Take it slowly, poem by poem. She is the best. She really, really is.

I tried to take your advice Will; but like running for a bus I know I'll never catch, I just had to keep going until the very last .............
Wonderful stuff.

Damn right! You've inspired me to take it down from the shelf again. She is tremendous. Have you read her heartbreaking collection The Father?

I haven't but I'll have a look for it. I bought Stag's Leap by mistake realy. I was looking for the new Forward book of Poetry, but the local Waterstone's hadn't it in stock yet. ( It is the IoW, 1957 still !). So I remembered a few people (yourself included), recommending it; so took a chance on it. So glad I did. The begining of Sleekit Cowrin', reminds me so much of when my wife & I first moved to the Island, poor but happy, in a large, draughty, mouse riddled house in Bembridge. Oh happy days!

[William the White]

I haven't but I'll have a look for it. I bought Stag's Leap by mistake realy. I was looking for the new Forward book of Poetry, but the local Waterstone's hadn't it in stock yet. ( It is the IoW, 1957 still !). So I remembered a few people (yourself included), recommending it; so took a chance on it. So glad I did. The begining of Sleekit Cowrin', reminds me so much of when my wife & I first moved to the Island, poor but happy, in a large, draughty, mouse riddled house in Bembridge. Oh happy days!

Yes that is a wonderful poem. When you read more of her work (I hope you don't mind if I recommend her Selected Poems - there was a year when about half a dozen of my friends got that for Christmas) you will find her poems of joy about the husband that has left her grieving, bereft and angry in Stags Leap - poems like Ecstasy and True Love.

[LeverEnd]

I see the shortlist for the 'Bad Sex in Fiction' award is out again.

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-enter ... 27511.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

For me nothing beats this Giles Coren passage from a few years ago, hilarious. Especially the last 2 words.

Winkler by Giles Coren (Jonathan Cape)

And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing he'd ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.

http://www.theguardian.com/books/2005/n ... sandprizes" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[clapton is god]

^ Hell fire! Where's my ciggies?

[clapton is god]

Some reminisces on another forum I frequent:

A Wigan Special Constable who was giving evidence in court - he was asked to identify a location and he replied AY AW. Baffled, the magistrates asked him to repeat, again he said AY AW. Obviously they weren't familiar with Haigh Hall ........

***

Heard by an officer at the back of court from the defendant giving evidence about his road collision.... Solicitor - "This lamp post you hit, was it iron? Defendant, in broad Bolton'ese: "Oy,aye,thurty foot!"

***

Many years ago I was giving evidence at the Coroners Court re a lad who killed himself. After giving my evidence a voice from he public gallery insisted that suicide was a criminal offence and I should have arrested the victim!

***

PC ***** was an excellent police officer in many respects. He was conscientious, he knew the Wigan Borough area like the back of his hand, and he knew its villains even better.
He did however, have two weaknesses, if weaknesses they may be called. He was an inveterate practical joker, and he had an exceptionally keen and witty tongue that he couldn't keep in check; if he thought of a lightning riposte he came out with it, and to hell with the consequences.
It was said by PC *****'s colleagues that he had worn a path across the Chief Constable's office carpet, on his regular visits to answer to complaints made by both his supervisory officers and irate members of the public.
On these visits, two things generally served in PC *****'s favour; firstly his many years police service, and secondly, the fact that the Chief Constable was possessed of a robust sense of humour himself. Consequently, he would often escape with a king sized bollocking, and avoid the fines and other unpleasant disciplinary measures the Chief had at his disposal.
One particularly filthy wet Monday morning found PC ***** in helmet and cape, standing outside Wigan North Western railway station, cursing the weather, and the fact that he still had several hours of his tour of duty to work.
He was about to continue on his beat, when a pompous and irritable voice at his back made him aware of the fact someone was trying to gain his attention. Turning round, PC ***** found himself standing chest to nose with a short, stout, red faced gentleman, immaculately dressed in bowler hat, wing collar and 'city suit' of black jacket, and pinstripe trousers.

The following dialogue took place:

PC *****: 'Nah then, what con Ah do fer thee Owd Lad?'

Bowler Hatted Gent: (Indignantly) 'Firstly, you can cease to call me "Old Lad," and adopt a more civil form of address'.

PC *****: (Evidently chastened) 'Very sorry Sir. Can I help you at all'.

Bowler Hatted Gent: (Feathers still ruffled) 'I have just got off the London train, and in alighting, have trapped my umbrella in the carriage door, and torn a hole in the fabric . Is there a barber's shop, or similar establishment locally, that could carry out the necessary repairs whilst I conduct my business in town?'
(In those days many barbers supplemented their income by repairing umbrellas.)

PC *****: (Respectfully) 'Certainly Sir. If you go under the railway bridge and take the first left, which is Queen Street, you'll find Livesey's premises a short way down on the right hand side'

Bowler Hatted Gent: ( still ruffled) 'Livesey's? Is that a barber's shop? Do they repair umbrellas?'

PC *****: (bending down, nose to nose with Bowler Hatted Gent) 'Nay Owd Lad, it's a builder's merchants, but happen they'll put a bloody slate over th' hole for thee'.

(Exit PC *****, leaving Bowler Hatted Gent speechless with rage)

Postscript:
It later transpired that the bowler hatted gentleman was a barrister, whose business in town that day was to prosecute for the police, at Wigan Crown Court. As can be imagined, he did not delay in bringing the matter to the attention of the Chief Constable, who in turn brought it to the attention of PC ***** in an extremely forceful manner, which left that officer both with scorched ears and financially worse off. But as he later remarked; 'It were worth every penny just fer t'see yon little chap's face'.

****

When giving evidence re police dog action you always refer to the dog as 'Manpol' and then his name which in this case was Kane , Manpol Kane this and Manpol Kane that,etc . Giving evidence re a particularly horrendous dog arrest the barrister kept referring to 'mangle Kane ' When I corrected him and pointed out it was Manpol as in Manchester police dog, not Mangle as he stated. He responded calmly with , that may be your opinion officer but can i draw your attention to these photographs of my clients injuries!. Even the Judge laughed.

****

I was giving evidence at City Magistrates with a defendant named O'Riely. Reading from my pocket book I got to the part where "After I cautioned O'Riely he replied "Oh Really?"". It wasn't 'till the clerk and bench started laughing that it occurred to me what I had just said.

****

One of my most memorable moments in the witness box was at Crown, in front of Judge Arthur Prestt.
The defence brief asked me a question that went on for ages, and was baffling in its complexity, and I asked him to repeat it.
The sarcastic swine got on his high horse, and said something like ‘I would have thought, you being a police officer, that you would possess sufficient intelligence to understand a perfectly simple question . . .’
He was interrupted by Judge Prestt, who said ‘Mister Soandso, I did not understand the question either! You have two courses of action – you can either continue to assume that both this officer and I lack intelligence, or you can repeat your question in plain and sensible English, for the benefit of us all!’
I’ve never seen a chap go so pale, so quickly.

****

A colleague of mine was giving evidence in court concerning a particularly violent individual.
The officer and the accused had had a right good do at each other at the arrest and the officer had staffed the villain several times..

In court the prosecution wishing to make it clear how violent the prisoner had been asked the officer how many times he had staffed the man...the officer replied "Until he gave up trying to hit me"

Apparently the judge gave the officer a knowing wink.

****

We had one of a pair of identical twins at Mags once and his brother attended to give him support. His solicitor came across to us and pointed out how similar they were stating 'So how can you be absolutely sure the right man is sat in the dock officers?' Quick as a flash the oldest in service officer said 'Because his fingerprints are on the arrest sheet and they aren't identical. Do you want me to fetch it?' The brief didn't make another such challenge.

****

I was giving evidence at Manchester Mags for a fail to provide the defence solicitor went to great lengths to accuse me of fitting his client up. This is what i said "You seem to be of the opinion that I care well let me make it clear to you that i don't. My role is merely to conduct a procedure the results of which determine the outcome if the result is positive your client is charged if it's negative he is released and if he fails to provide he gets charged there is nothing in it for me, so in answer to your question Why on earth would i do that?" His reply "No further questions"

****

Heard a story on the radio yesterday about a traffic bobby pulling over a car with frosted over windows. The driver had cleared a small hole in the frost to see through and was leant towards the window. The officer's comment: "Used to be a tank driver did we sir?"

****

A Police officer on point duty at Swan corner (Bradshawgate/Deansgate) in Bolton and in the days before pedestrianisation, was annoyed when a car stopped right next to him in the middle of the junction blocking the road and nearly running over his foot, and in a haughty voice the driver asked for directions to Churchgate, which was adjacent to them at the same junction. he said "No problem sir. Go about half a mile along Deansgate here, turn left onto Blackhorse Street for half a mile, left onto Great Moor Street to the end where you turn left onto Bradshawgate. Go along there until you see a Police officer doing point duty and its just there on the right." "thank you officer," said the motorist, driving off on a huge loop around town to get back to exactly the same place!

****

I was in Palma, Majorca when a US Aircraft Carrier visited and they put some of the pilots up in our hotel. I got chatting with some of them and, after finding out I was a cop, one said to me, “I never realised why you English cops had such large hats until I went to London and went up to one of your colleagues and asked him why his hat was so big. Then he told me about your radios having bad reception and all that, and how they built the radio aerial into the hat, and then I understood”. And that was a fighter pilot.

[Beefheart]

Desert island discs book from the BBC. Fascinating to say the least.....................

Fab isn't it?!

It certainly is Pru. I know a book shouldn't be described as a great 'book for the loo', but if ever one was made for those 5 to ten minutes in the bathroom, this is it.

That's a christmas present for my Dad this year sorted!

[Worthy4England]

They were amusing Clappers.

I'm not sure they're all true though, I can't see why a gent with a bowler hat and rolled up umbrella would ever have a reason to visit Wigan.

[clapton is god]

http://www.countarthurstrong.com/arthurs-diaries/

Ordered!

At the risk of incurring the wrath of a certain clown featured resident, I have to say I am enjoying this book a lot. I find myself laughing out loud on almost every page. Its very, very funny. Perhaps its a defect in myself, I dunno, but its just hilarious and I'm giggling like a 10yr old every five minutes.

A taster for Beefheart's dad and anyone else who might be interested.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=837K_Pc7 ... e=youtu.be" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Incidentally, I only just found out that the first TV series was written by comedy god, Graham Linehan of Father Ted fame.

[thebish]