Joke thread

[domino_sm]

ONE WISH

I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.
" I want to live forever" I said,
"sorry" said the fairy "but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish"
"fine" I said "then I want to die when England win the world cup"
" you crafty b.....!" said the fairy.

[LeverEnd]

Trouble getting your lizard up in the morning?

....... Then you must have a reptile dysfunction.

[clapton is god]

A cowboy goes into a bar and pulls out one of his guns.

He orders a whisky and the barman notices that there are six notches on the gun. What are they fer stranger?

I shot me 6 injuns 1 notch fer each!

He pulls out the other gun and there are 12 notches on it. What they fer? The barman enquires?

I shot me six Mexicans.

How come you got 12 notches then!

When you shoot yourself a Mexican you get Bonus Notches!

[Bijou Bob]

A dejected Rolf, in prison blues, watched the steel door slam shut behind him. As he began to sob, a voice sang out in the darkness....

"Did you think I would leave you crying, when there's room in my bunk for two".....

[Montreal Wanderer]

All arrivals in Heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

One day, the first applicant of the morning explained that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed," he began. "She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry, and I checked the shower and it was completely dry, too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, so I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and plummeted, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found superhuman strength, and dragged our antique cedar chest to the balcony and threw it over. It landed right on the man and killed him instantly. At this moment, the stress finally got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant also said that his last day was the worst of his life. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the air-conditioning equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building, yet I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment. But some idiot came rushing out onto the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes -- and I survived! But as I looked up, I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way, but I was too slow, and the chest killed me."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room. He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. "I'm sorry for laughing," he said, "but no matter what story you tell me, I doubt that it will be as interesting as the one the last fellow just told me."

"I don't know" replied the man. "Picture this: I'm buck naked and hiding in this cedar chest..."

[Harry Genshaw]

love it!

[TANGODANCER]

Dougie Freedman has been scouting major chocolate manufacturers as sponsors for B.W.F.C.
When asked about one : "The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one" he said....

[Montreal Wanderer]

An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.


One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.


She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:


"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."


The husband texted back to her:


"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

[Andy Waller]

What does Smokey Robinson use to decorate his house?

Second hand emulsion.

[KeyserSoze]

Guy walks into a bar

http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/ ... bar?src=mp" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Worthy4England]

Guy walks into a bar

http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/ ... bar?src=mp" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

That was almost unreadable, like.

[thebish]

[malcd1]

Number 29 is the one I get the urge to say most.

[Worthy4England]

29 - Yes. 31 - Yes.

5, 12, 14, 15, 18, 20 - honourable mentions.

[bobo the clown]

29 - Yes. 31 - Yes.

To be fair, these are not unrelated.

Lorries doing this on motor-ways are responsible for the concertina effect. I'm OK though as I eradicate this with my mind rockets, using the more superfluous steering wheel buttons are triggers and accompanied with a loud whooshing sound fx and an exploding noise.

[LeverEnd]

http://www.buzzfeed.com/tomphillips/she ... d?s=mobile" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Montreal Wanderer]

Not sure if this has been posted before [LGM disclaimer]

[thebish]

[CrazyHorse]

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.


Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"


She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.


This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.


The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again.


Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.


Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping.


Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish??

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear... "No, I Norwegian."

[Worthy4England]

It needs beer, but