Joke thread

[Enoch]

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke.

Let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it!

[CrazyHorse]

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, as they told me to expect a once in a lifetime experience akin to winning the Lottery.
I jumped at the offer, and they were right.
After we all stripped off it turned out we had six matching balls.

[thebish]

what does a subatomic duck say?


answer in white below....

Quark!

[Prufrock]

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds' beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry".

[LeverEnd]

You can tell the sex of an ant by
dropping it into a jug of water.

If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats: boy ant.

[thebish]

You can tell the sex of an ant by
dropping it into a jug of water.

If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats: boy ant.

oh yes! quality returns to the joke thread!

[Andy Waller]

Half of Chinese people in America have cataracts.

The rest of them drive Rincolns...

[Montreal Wanderer]

An attractive blonde from Galway arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.


Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

[thebish]

[Bruce Rioja]

Brilliant.

[Bruce Rioja]

In a similar vein, this.

[thebish]

[thebish]

[clapton is god]

My granddad went into a home yesterday.

96 and he's still committing burglaries.

[clapton is god]

I went in a bar and my mate was knocking back drink after drink. 'What's up?' I asked. He replied 'My best mate has run off with my wife!'

I said 'Wait a minute, I thought I was your best mate.'

'Not anymore,' he said.

[LeverEnd]

Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion. I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

[thebish]

Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion. I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

[thebish]

[clapton is god]

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head.

Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

[thebish]

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head.

Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.