Joke thread

[Montreal Wanderer]

Teacher Arrested At London Heathrow Airport - held in isolation.

A secondary school teacher was arrested today at London's Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle.”

When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Ed Milliband said,"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.
>

[Andy Waller]

Teacher Arrested At London Heathrow Airport - held in isolation.

A secondary school teacher was arrested today at London's Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle.”

When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Ed Milliband said,"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.
>

Is it me or are all the "jokes" you post on here completely gash?

[Worthy4England]

Dear Mr Pot ....

Half of Chinese people in America have cataracts.

The rest of them drive Rincolns....

There's a psychic dwarf escaped from Strangeways.

Police are searching for a small medium, at large

[Andy Waller]

Dear Mr Pot ....

Half of Chinese people in America have cataracts.

The rest of them drive Rincolns....

There's a psychic dwarf escaped from Strangeways.

Police are searching for a small medium, at large

They're funny!

Better than that codswallop everyone gets halfway through then clicks on something else.

[Worthy4England]

In fairness, Monty's weapons of maths instruction didn't make me laugh either.

But really cataracts and rincolns? (how did that second "l" get in there).

I'd struggle to pick a winner.

[Bruce Rioja]

They're funny!

Shall we put that to the vote?

[General Mannerheim]

Teacher Arrested At London Heathrow Airport - held in isolation.

A secondary school teacher was arrested today at London's Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle.”

When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Ed Milliband said,"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.
>

Is it me or are all the "jokes" you post on here completely gash?

haha, when i see the Joke Thread heading has gone red i click on it but if its one of Monty's i just hit 'back'

[Lord Kangana]

I thought it was funny.

Just me?

[thebish]

I thought it was funny.

Just me?

No - you AND Monty! ;0)

[TANGODANCER]

I thought it was funny.

Just me?

No - you AND Monty! ;0)

And it raised a smile from me. I thought it was quite well put together.

[thebish]

I hear the sound of some cases being rested! ;0)

[TANGODANCER]

I hear the sound of some cases being rested! ;0)

Careful....after some of your efforts....

[LeverEnd]

Bit of 'dad humour' for you, courtesy of one of my uncle's more acceptable emails...

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: I have some good news and, I have some bad news.

The tycoon replies: I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.

The lawyer says: Your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of £2 million.

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: Well done, very good news indeed! You have just made my day; now what’s the bad news?



The lawyer answers: The pictures were you screwing your secretary !

[Andy Waller]

In fairness, Monty's weapons of maths instruction didn't make me laugh either.

But really cataracts and rincolns? (how did that second "l" get in there).

I'd struggle to pick a winner.

If you were saying it, it wouldn't be there would it?

It's there for clarity when you read it. Duh.

[Andy Waller]

In fairness, Monty's weapons of maths instruction didn't make me laugh either.

But really cataracts and rincolns? (how did that second "l" get in there).

I'd struggle to pick a winner.

If you were saying it, it wouldn't be there would it?

It's there for clarity when you read it. Duh.

Police arrested a Muslim Algebra teacher at Manchester airport today,

He was suspected of carrying weapons of maths instruction....

See, short, to the point and pretty funny.

[Bruce Rioja]

Not a solitary grin has been entered into upon reading this entire page.

[CrazyHorse]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,




... Walk into a fine restaurant.





"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.



"You can't come in here without a Thai

[Worthy4England]

In fairness, Monty's weapons of maths instruction didn't make me laugh either.

But really cataracts and rincolns? (how did that second "l" get in there).

I'd struggle to pick a winner.

If you were saying it, it wouldn't be there would it?

It's there for clarity when you read it. Duh.

Police arrested a Muslim Algebra teacher at Manchester airport today,

He was suspected of carrying weapons of maths instruction....

See, short, to the point and pretty funny.

Do jokes have to be only two lines long? Is that as much as folks can manage to concentrate for?

[Andy Waller]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,




... Walk into a fine restaurant.





"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.



"You can't come in here without a Thai

Superb.

[Andy Waller]

In fairness, Monty's weapons of maths instruction didn't make me laugh either.

But really cataracts and rincolns? (how did that second "l" get in there).

I'd struggle to pick a winner.

If you were saying it, it wouldn't be there would it?

It's there for clarity when you read it. Duh.

Police arrested a Muslim Algebra teacher at Manchester airport today,

He was suspected of carrying weapons of maths instruction....

See, short, to the point and pretty funny.

Do jokes have to be only two lines long? Is that as much as folks can manage to concentrate for?

It does have to be for that joke.