Joke thread

[thebish]

[jaffka]

A man is at the bar drinking with his buddies, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," one of his buddies says, "give me a ten-dollar bill." The friend folds up the bill and puts it in the drunk guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you ten bucks to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great idea!"

When the drunk gets home his wife wakes up and angrily asks "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"

He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me ten bucks to have my shirt cleaned, see for yourself!"

The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $20 in here!"

"Oh yeah he shit in my pants too"

[clapton is god]

Two steps to impersonate Victor Meldrew

A) don't
B) leave it

[thebish]

Two steps to impersonate Victor Meldrew

A) don't
B) leave it

[Harry Genshaw]

Two steps to impersonate Victor Meldrew

A) don't
B) leave it

[Lost Leopard Spot]

A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. "No" says the photon, "I'm travelling light".

[Lost Leopard Spot]

A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. "No" says the photon, "I'm travelling light".

At the same hotel the protons had left positive reviews on TripAdvisor, unlike the electrons who had been negative.

[Lost Leopard Spot]

A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. "No" says the photon, "I'm travelling light".

At the same hotel the protons had left positive reviews on TripAdvisor, unlike the electrons who had been negative.

The hotel barman said “We don’t serve tachyons”.

A tachyon walked into the bar.

[Lost Leopard Spot]

A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. "No" says the photon, "I'm travelling light".

At the same hotel the protons had left positive reviews on TripAdvisor, unlike the electrons who had been negative.

The hotel barman said “We don’t serve tachyons”.

A tachyon walked into the bar.

A neutron walks into the bar, orders a drink, opens his wallet to pay when the barman shakes his head and says………. “for you, no charge”

[Lost Leopard Spot]

A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. "No" says the photon, "I'm travelling light".

At the same hotel the protons had left positive reviews on TripAdvisor, unlike the electrons who had been negative.

The hotel barman said “We don’t serve tachyons”.

A tachyon walked into the bar.

A neutron walks into the bar, orders a drink, opens his wallet to pay when the barman shakes his head and says………. “for you, no charge”

A Plutonium atom and an anti-matter Plutonium atom walk into the bar, but the barman refuses to serve them.
"Why not?" they ask
"Because you're both unstable and when you two get together you're likely to explode"

[TANGODANCER]

And the electrician walked into the bar behind them, and the landlord said,
"Wire you insulate?"

[thebish]

Enfield's keyboard...

[Gary the Enfield]

Enfield's keyboard...

[Dujon]

This is posted on Facebook's Traffic and Highway Patrol Command - NSW Police Force's Photos · Traffic and Highway Patrol Command - NSW Police Force's Page. It's real but in the Stoke/Nelson area of New Zealand.

[Montreal Wanderer]

[TANGODANCER]

You're gonna kill me for this....

[Prufrock]

I'm ignoring that, refusing to acknowledge its existence.

Good to see they made a sequel to The Human Centipede, though.

[TANGODANCER]

I'm ignoring that, refusing to acknowledge its existence.
Good to see they made a sequel to The Human Centipede, though.

[Hoboh]

Coincidentally, my wife left me for another woman she met when she was buying a tool from B&Q.

That was a wrench.


Nicked off a guardian comment on this link, read the comments some are hilarious as well as the main article.

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfre ... d-news-diy" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Bruce Rioja]

What's the difference between an Olympic medal won 31 years ago and a cow?

Torvill and Dean don't know how to milk a cow!