Joke thread
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Bruce Rioja
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Re: Joke thread
I once had a racing snail. I took its shell off in the hope that it'd make it more aerodynamic, but if anything it actually made it more sluggish.Bijou Bob wrote:Quality! !!!Burnden Paddock wrote:I once made a ventriloquist's dummy from off cuts of carpet.
It was ruggish!
May the bridges I burn light your way
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Burnden Paddock
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Re: Joke thread
I was in the Intensive Care Unit at the local hospital recently, when I saw a small child playing with a toy donkey.
I thought to myself, 'ICU baby, shaking that ass'!
I thought to myself, 'ICU baby, shaking that ass'!
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Montreal Wanderer
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Re: Joke thread
Hmmm. I believe you mentioned this in 2011 and even then Always Hopeful had mentioned it first. Clearly an Acquaplane moment. I'm glad I'm not the only one to repeat jokes - this might get LGM off my back!Bruce Rioja wrote:I once had a racing snail. I took its shell off in the hope that it'd make it more aerodynamic, but if anything it actually made it more sluggish.Bijou Bob wrote:Quality! !!!Burnden Paddock wrote:I once made a ventriloquist's dummy from off cuts of carpet.
It was ruggish!
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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Always hopeful
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Re: Joke thread
Indeed (I wasn't going to say anything), but in Bruce's defence, ruggish does rhyme with sluggish, so maybe it was worth reincarnating for comical effect?Montreal Wanderer wrote:Hmmm. I believe you mentioned this in 2011 and even then Always Hopeful had mentioned it first. Clearly an Acquaplane moment. I'm glad I'm not the only one to repeat jokes - this might get LGM off my back!Bruce Rioja wrote:I once had a racing snail. I took its shell off in the hope that it'd make it more aerodynamic, but if anything it actually made it more sluggish.Bijou Bob wrote:Quality! !!!Burnden Paddock wrote:I once made a ventriloquist's dummy from off cuts of carpet.
It was ruggish!
Hope is what keeps us going.
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Montreal Wanderer
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Re: Joke thread
Clearly that was the trigger and we've had a few new members since 2011, so worth repeating....Always hopeful wrote:Indeed (I wasn't going to say anything), but in Bruce's defence, ruggish does rhyme with sluggish, so maybe it was worth reincarnating for comical effect?Montreal Wanderer wrote:Hmmm. I believe you mentioned this in 2011 and even then Always Hopeful had mentioned it first. Clearly an Acquaplane moment. I'm glad I'm not the only one to repeat jokes - this might get LGM off my back!Bruce Rioja wrote:I once had a racing snail. I took its shell off in the hope that it'd make it more aerodynamic, but if anything it actually made it more sluggish.Bijou Bob wrote:Quality! !!!Burnden Paddock wrote:I once made a ventriloquist's dummy from off cuts of carpet.
It was ruggish!
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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Bruce Rioja
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Re: Joke thread
Have you ever kissed a girl?Montreal Wanderer wrote:Hmmm. I believe you mentioned this in 2011 and even then Always Hopeful had mentioned it first. Clearly an Acquaplane moment. I'm glad I'm not the only one to repeat jokes - this might get LGM off my back!Bruce Rioja wrote:I once had a racing snail. I took its shell off in the hope that it'd make it more aerodynamic, but if anything it actually made it more sluggish.Bijou Bob wrote:Quality! !!!Burnden Paddock wrote:I once made a ventriloquist's dummy from off cuts of carpet.
It was ruggish!
May the bridges I burn light your way
Re: Joke thread
Brought tears to my eyes when the boys poured that tin of water based paint on my head.
I was overcome with Emulsion.
I was overcome with Emulsion.
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Bruce Rioja
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Re: Joke thread
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
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Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fecking widow."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
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Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fecking widow."
May the bridges I burn light your way
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Worthy4England
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Re: Joke thread
^^ We've had that one before too. Do try and keep up. 
Re: Joke thread
The Irish are changing their road system.
From December all cars will drive on the right hand side of the road.
If it's a success, next April they're going to include lorries and buses.
From December all cars will drive on the right hand side of the road.
If it's a success, next April they're going to include lorries and buses.
Re: Joke thread
Apparently labour has a new vegan farming minister.
I've never heard of herbivore.
I've never heard of herbivore.
...
Re: Joke thread
LeverEnd wrote:Apparently labour has a new vegan farming minister.
I've never heard of herbivore.
That has to be the worst fckn thing posted on here .............................
At that time I swear I lost my mind
Started makin' plans to kill my own kind...............
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Bruce Rioja
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Re: Joke thread
I thought it was very goodIl Pirate wrote:LeverEnd wrote:Apparently labour has a new vegan farming minister.
I've never heard of herbivore.
That has to be the worst fckn thing posted on here .............................
At that time I swear I lost my mind
Started makin' plans to kill my own kind...............
May the bridges I burn light your way
Re: Joke thread
YOU HUMOURLESS MOFO!!!!Il Pirate wrote:LeverEnd wrote:Apparently labour has a new vegan farming minister.
I've never heard of herbivore.
That has to be the worst fckn thing posted on here .............................
At that time I swear I lost my mind
Started makin' plans to kill my own kind...............
Great sig though.
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clapton is god
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Re: Joke thread
Rabbie Burns the famous Scottish lover goes to the chiropodist and asks if she will have a look at his foot.
She agrees and he gets his willy out and slaps it on the table in front of her.
'Why Mr Burns', she says 'that's not a foot!'
'Jist gie it a minute hen.'
She agrees and he gets his willy out and slaps it on the table in front of her.
'Why Mr Burns', she says 'that's not a foot!'
'Jist gie it a minute hen.'
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Lost Leopard Spot
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Re: Joke thread
Ok that was worse than Lever End's... I could make pun but I'll not bother...clapton is god wrote:Rabbie Burns the famous Scottish lover goes to the chiropodist and asks if she will have a look at his foot.
She agrees and he gets his willy out and slaps it on the table in front of her.
'Why Mr Burns', she says 'that's not a foot!'
'Jist gie it a minute hen.'
That's not a leopard!
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TANGODANCER
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Re: Joke thread
Two guys in a mini sub surface after examining the wreck of The Titanic.
A. Amazing ship. Gee, they sure made things to last in those days didn't they?
B. Well, I guess, but it's just a wreck now.
A. I know, but all those years and the swimming pool is still full!.
A. Amazing ship. Gee, they sure made things to last in those days didn't they?
B. Well, I guess, but it's just a wreck now.
A. I know, but all those years and the swimming pool is still full!.
Si Deus pro nobis, quis contra nos?
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Lost Leopard Spot
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Re: Joke thread
Is this a race to the bottom.TANGODANCER wrote:Two guys in a mini sub surface after examining the wreck of The Titanic.
A. Amazing ship. Gee, they sure made things to last in those days didn't they?
B. Well, I guess, but it's just a wreck now.
A. I know, but all those years and the swimming pool is still full!.
You've sunk to new depths there. (boom boom).
That's not a leopard!
頑張ってください
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Re: Joke thread
LeverEnd wrote:YOU HUMOURLESS MOFO!!!!Il Pirate wrote:LeverEnd wrote:Apparently labour has a new vegan farming minister.
I've never heard of herbivore.
That has to be the worst fckn thing posted on here .............................
At that time I swear I lost my mind
Started makin' plans to kill my own kind...............
Great sig though.
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Montreal Wanderer
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Re: Joke thread
Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Belfast, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement..:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix up one minute prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."
Her next announcement came 90 minutes later...
"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix up one minute prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."
Her next announcement came 90 minutes later...
"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. " Elbert Hubbard.
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